10,000 years ago.
Mankind is learning the art of procreation. Action, Erection, Shoot & Lumpination. Alas the duffer, that man is, he hasn’t learnt to shoot his love at the right spot. That secret, is held by a select few, who learn the art of shooting at the right spot for procreation by the reverend Groanacharya.
And then there is ozLuvya. His application for learning the hidden art has been rejected by the Erection for Procreation High School run by Groanacharya. But ozLuvya isn’t deterred.
Respectfully, he goes deep into the jungle on a Mangal (Hinglish: Tuesday) for a jungle mein mangal (Hinglish: chitti chitti bang bang in the jungle) and creates something, that laid the foundation of present day Porn Industry. ozLuvya created a naked woman from clay. Which is those ages was enough for a man to get a… you know what.
And ozLuvya practiced. And practiced. He would stand, start, shag, shoot… learning by himself. Following his inner voice to learn the true art.
And at times when “it” refused to get up due to “over exertion”, ozLuvya would travel to the town of herbs, via Agra. The town of herbs would sell herbs that would hammer down “its” refusal to “get up” and would force “it” to stand up to full attention.
The target practice got better and better.
One day Groanacharya was roaming far away in the jungle, because there was no roaming facility available in and around his Erection for Procreation High School. And he found ozLuvya practicing. Target shooting was perfect. Groanacharya was shocked!
He approached ozLuvya. How did you learn this? Don’t you know this erection target practice is patented by me? Do ya know that? You punk? Now you will pay me for “infringement” right here in this Mid Shitty Day.
ozLuvya agreed. After all it was his Dharma.
O Groanacharya. Ask and it shall be done.
And Groanacharya asked for ozLuvya’s mini-me (Hinglish: mini-me, found only in the males and pre-op transexuals).
Which ozLuvya readily agreed. He cut it off. And offered it to Groanacharya, who was a little apprehensive of receiving ozLuvya’s payment in his hand…
Present day
The present day ozLuvya is quite a lover boy with a specialty. He beds queens and princesses. In this process, a queen is impregnated at the insistence of the Queen’s mother-in-law. You see the mother in law does not have a lot of trust in her son’s, the King’s, mini-me.
King Bald-endra is one stupid son of a bitch. Ooops. That would mean Queen’s ma-in-law is a biaatch…. sorry… she isn’t… not sure… since we haven’t seen her. So let’s suppose the King, Mr. Bald-endra is a son of a bitch, philosophically speaking.
Now our buddy ozLuvya when not doing the chiti-chiti-bang-bang thingy with the queens of India, also has a full time day job. That of a bodyguard to Bald-endra. He’s paid handsomely. Remuneration also includes a kholi (Hinglish: Go to Walmart, steal a shopping cart, jump into it, put a board in front of the cart that reads, “Home Sweet Home”).
Bald-endra then one day realizes his grown up son is not his son… it shatters him… and he kills wife, and calls it a suicide.
But truth can never be hidden for long. It always comes out and the guilty never go scot free. Prime example of this principle can be seen everwhere in the world, right from JFK’s assassination to Laloo Prasad Yadav’s chara ghotala – where it was proved that the stupid cows in Bihar were addicted to the grass in Bihar, just like alcoholics are addicted to whiskey.
But that’s besides the point.
ozLuvya meets his biological son Mr. Confused-endra who secretly has been chiti-chiti-bang-banging the King’s driver’s daughter Ms. “How-to-catch-a-rich-Husband”
More twists in the plot follow with the entry of Muchchad Singh and Jacketwa Singh, who want to kill ozLuvya, change plans decide to kill Confused-endra, change plans – and decide to kill King Bald-endra, change plans and kill themselves.
I tell ya. This is one shitty confused family here.
And let’s assume King Bald-endra gets killed too. May his soul rest in peace.
ozLuvya and Confused-endra get together and spend the rest of their lives chitti-chitti-bang-banging the queens of India and all drivers’ daughters they can lay their hands on.
One big happy family.
Seriously. Is this the kind of amateurish story telling we should expect from Shri Vidhu Vinod Chopra? Is this the guy who gave us Parinda, 17 years ago, and after that suddenly went boing-boing in his head and since then has been telling stories that put even my dog to sleep?
What the hell is wrong here? Suddenly I feel either Parinda was NOT actually a Chopra creation – done by someone else Or the hunger in those times actually drove Chopra to write and direct a Parinda.
What is Chopra’s contribution to Eklavya?
The only factors which may make you sit through the movie are Nutty’s amazing cinematography that makes the movie look like a million bucks and Amitabh Bachchan.
Which brings me to the point – that Chopra too falls prey to Bachchan’s overpowering legend. And instead of fitting a Bachchan in a story, Chopra fits the story into a Bachchan, which many before him have committed a similar sin… and fallen flat on their faces, as Chopra does in this venture.
The world of Chopra is stuck in a time warp. Story telling has moved leaps and bounds far ahead in these 17 years and perhaps Chopra may do a bit good to himself to watch movies like Children of Men and Pan’s Labyrinth to realize what shit he’s throwing at us under the names of Kareeb, Mission Kashmir and now Eklavya.
Bollywood is changing it’s movie making style. Movies used to be 3 hours long. But content was lacking. Not enough meat to stretch a movie to 3 hours.
So now we have 2 hour movies. Eklavya stands even less at 110 minutes. I think Bollywood should move to Phase III, where movies should now be made of 60 minutes duration.
Eklavya has 4 scenes which are of any importance in the story and they could be wrapped up in 15 minutes.
Instead we have to suffer the entire length of close to 2 hours, because Chopra drags and drags and drags and drags till YOU FUCKING WANNA STAND UP AND SLAP EVERY PERSON IN THE THEATER FOR BEING AS FUCKED UP AS YOU ARE – the craziness that made them, like you, to watch Eklavya.
Cinematically speaking, Vidhu Vinod Chopra, as a director is finished. It’s time to scratch his name from our “must watch” list.
D Minus. Take pencil torch along with a book or a Playboy or any goddamn thing that you can read for 110 minutes while the movie plays on the screen.
This is how reviews should be done.. totally unbiased and straight from the heart or somewhere else ...............
